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Surely the law should apply equally to everyone, Hugo.
Are you mental, Troy? In Everything, nothing should apply equally to anyone. We The People should always have an advantage. Not only does the law apply differently to us, our wealth and power mean that we can apply it differently to the losers.
What do you mean? You aren’t Judge Dredd. You don’t get to decide who gets charged, tried and punished for their crimes.
Really, Troy? Do you have no idea what goes on in the world around you? Okay, that slimy little toad Semaphore Biggles is clearly a buddy of yours, isn’t he?
I think that’s going a bit far, I just did a skit with him on Friday Night Dive. Mind you, he was not a fan of yours. He literally had to spit every time he spoke your name.
The feeling’s mutual, though quite justified in my case. Biggles, though, hates me because of the power I have over him. He knows he can’t joke about me without being very careful.
He hid that very well with our Emperor Poopy-Anus gag.
I’ll be talking to my lawyers about that later, but did he mention his Hugo Sensationist small penis gag?
That doesn’t ring a bell.
It wouldn’t, he’s barred from any form of discussion of my phallus, public or private. Last year, that disgraceful lump of turd had the neck to suggest that I have a tiny penis to both viewers of that dreadful skit-show you took part in.
I think you’ll find there are more viewers than that, I imagine at least half a billion Everythingers will have tuned in to watch my award-winning performance.
Oooh, nice exaggeration, Troy, considering Everything’s population isn’t even 350 million people. I knew there was a reason I brought you here. Anyway, penis size, not audience size, is the subject here and now. As I said, that pitiful excuse for a loser, Semaphore Biggles, had the neck to broadcast that I have a tiny penis and he learned the hard way that it’s not a smart move to make me angry. I dropped a lawsuit on him demanding half a billion spondoolicks in compensation and punitive damages.
But it was a joke. He was just kidding that you’ve got a tiny penis to make people laugh.
I wasn’t laughing and you yourself saw that it’s not tiny.
Yeah, although I’d have to say it was more Indian elephant than African.
Very droll, Troy, although you’ll find that’s the ears, not the trunk.
Of course, your elephant ear tattoos! They’re tiny. It’s all a cunning optical illusion, isn’t it? Designed to make your wanglet look bigger. Go on Hugo, get your dick out for the boys, I want to measure it.
Don’t you dare to presume to call it Dick, you over-familiar little toad. It’s Sir Richard the Proud to you, mateyboy. But no, you’re not getting another look at my penis, you sick perv. I’ll bet you’re named in the Barry Bigglass files. You’d better hope I don’t follow through and release those when I get elected.
I never once met Bigglass, I’m too young.
Maybe, but you certainly have a thing for hanging out with the rich and powerful. I read that you’re close to Hugh Annus. I bet you’re on his payroll, paid to try and make our government do the things he wants it to do.
That’s a dreadful slur, Hugo, I should sue you for saying that.
Of course you shouldn’t, dear boy. Have you learned nothing? I have far too much money. If you sued me, we’d both end up in court and neither of us wants that. You only want to sue poor people, the losers, those who can’t afford to go to court. Even if they’re in the right. People like Semaphore Biggles. Like you, his lawyers insisted it was just a harmless joke, but I ensured that it looked anything but harmless to Biggles. He had the choice to fight me over whether or not his statement was just a joke, but the financial cost to him would have been huge. He may be well paid by the standards of a comedian, but could he afford to risk a million spondoolicks or more fighting against me in a We The People dominated world. I can afford the best lawyers and maybe the best lawyers could convince a jury that what he said wasn’t a joke.
And maybe they couldn’t.
Maybe, but would you want to take the risk when it’s your money on the line? Might you not also roll over like a little puppy dog and present me your tummy for a little tickle? Biggles certainly felt that was in his best interests. He talked the big talk initially, but as soon as he saw his legal fees starting to mount up, he couldn’t move quick enough to reach an agreement with me. Hence, you’ll never hear Semaphore Biggles tell a Hugo Sensationist tiny penis joke and, once my lawyers have been at him, I wouldn’t expect any more poopy-anus jokes either.
So, you just bullied him into submitting to your will, regardless of the fact that he’d done nothing wrong.
Nothing wrong! He mocked me and made others laugh at me. He did plenty wrong, but thanks to the wonder of using the law as a pay-to-play toy, I can hurt him every time he does something I don’t like. Even if it’s not against the law.
The thing is, from where I’m standing, that seems wrong.
You’re only saying that because you’ve never tasted the sweet thrill of lawfare.
Lawfare?
Come on, Troy, this can’t be new to you. Lawfare, the weaponisation of the law to attack those weaker than you and force them to behave as We The People want them to. People may talk about the value of the moral high ground, but the reality is that when push comes to shove, people feel much more strongly about the value of the money in their bank account. We can use money to crush the truth that we don’t like, sweep inconvenient truths under the carpet and hide ugly truths in the shadows where no-one will ever see them. You may think lawfare is an ugly tool right now, but just wait until you wield a SLAPP suit for the first time.
A what suit?
A SLAPP suit, dear boy. A Strategic Lawsuit Against Public Participation. A completely meritless action simply to silence the other side. Trust me, it’s a delight, Troy. The beautiful feeling of knowing that the other person is technically in the right, but has to bend to your will simply because you have more money and status than them. We can literally afford to change the truth. It drives them mad, perhaps literally mad in some cases, but they have no choice. Even though they may eventually win a hollow victory years down the line, by then you’ll have effectively ended their life, broken their relationships and made them unemployable. Still, everyone’s a winner. What’s not to like?
All of it, I’m not sure lawfare is something I’ll ever be trying.
Don’t be so sure, you never know when you’ll need to call on the power of lawfare.
Hang on, though, so lawfare is a vital weapon for crushing those weaker and poorer than you. But didn’t you sue The Journal last year because they ran a story saying you gave a birthday cake to Prince Pettifogger, the Spottish playboy prince? From what you’ve said, that doesn’t make sense to sue someone or an organisation that has the money to fight back against you.
Well, maybe I fought back against them because they lied about me and it’s important that the truth came out for the world to see.
Really, they lied?
No, of course not, Troy. But they certainly didn’t offer an unbiased view of the gift. It was a warm and heartfelt tribute from one pal to another pal’s mother, her late majesty the Queen, Hellspeth the Ninth.
A warm and heartfelt tribute? According to The Journal, it was a life-size replica of the late Queen’s breasts in sugar-iced Victoria sponge.
That barely does that 20,000 spondoolicks edible work of art justice. Honestly, Troy, but for the two candied cherries, you’d have been hard pushed to tell the difference from the real things.
And how on earth are you such an authority on Queen Hellspeth’s breasts?
Prince Pettifogger kindly gifted me a touching and revealing family photo of the young royal family vacationing on the Froge Riviera when he was just a boy. Well, it had me touching something, anyway, if you get what I mean?
Grief, let’s leave that there before I burn an indelible image onto the retina of my mind’s eye. But why’d you sue them if they hadn’t lied about it?
Clearly, they’d have been mental to run such a story if it wasn’t true. But anyone looking on would also believe that no-one would launch a 20 billion spondoolicks lawsuit if the story in question was true. You’d have to be an idiot to do such a thing and I’m clearly not an idiot.
But you just said the story was true, yet you launched a lawsuit anyway. Hugo, you don’t think that possibly you’re such a big idiot, you’re actually too big an idiot to understand just how big an idiot you are?
I like that, Troy. I’ll keep that in mind if Havajack’s team agrees to a debate. However, there’s only one idiot playing a part in this conversation, dear boy, and you’re doing a grand job. I, however, would be an idiot not to sue. Everyone sees me insisting it’s a dreadful hatchet job by The Journal and my supporters swallow it hook, line and sinker. Even some of those who don’t like me and many of the neutrals will give me the benefit of the doubt. We all know the fake news media can’t be trusted to tell the truth. Incidentally, do you remember the outcome of the court case, Troy?
Do you know what, I honestly can’t remember what happened. When did it go to court?
It didn’t. I quietly dropped the suit a month or two after telling the world that I would start a fight to cut out the cancer of bent and twisted journalism in our country with the simple sword of truth and the trusty shield of Everything fair play. Of course, unless you read that day’s Journal, you’d have never realized and potentially would have gone on thinking that the whole Boobiescakegate scandal was a sick fiction invented by journalists. So, Troy, with your eyes open to the myriad wonders of how the laws of Everything work for We The People, might you be closer to joining me when I become First-Best-Guy, do you think?