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Changing tack, Troy, jus soli?
Why not? I am a bit parched from all this chatting. You know I always have an orange juice with my breakfast. Once when we were on holiday, I tried grapefruit juice. I didn’t like that, it made my mouth feel like it was crumbling. If soli juice is anything like that I probably won’t like it. But as Uncle Rodney taught me the day we went bungee jumping, we should always try something at least once or we’ll never know if we like it or not. I don’t like bungee jumping, though I might feel differently if Uncle Rodney hadn’t forgotten the bungee rope. Luckily, the Rio Dolores broke my fall and I was washed up a mere 80 miles downstream and spent the next 18 months raised by raccoons. I still miss mummy raccoon. Daddy raccoon not so much. He used to try to eat me whenever mummy raccoon’s back was turned and…
That’s truly fascinating, Troy, but I wasn’t offering you a refreshing fruit beverage. Jus soli is Latin for the right of the soil. It’s the principle that means that anybody who is born in Everything automatically becomes a citizen of Everything, even if neither of their parents are Everythingers. That’s a dreadful idea, don’t you agree?
Well, actually, I’m not sure. I mean, if it’s part of our Constitution, surely it must be a good thing, because Everything is the greatest country on the planet. Besides, we’re a nation of immigrants, so doesn’t it make perfect sense that anyone born here automatically becomes one of us, regardless of who their parents are?
No, it doesn’t, Troy. You see, once upon a time, we were a nation of immigrants, but we’re not anymore. Besides, this whole situation around jus soli all ties back to the Civil War that resulted in all the plaid slaves being given their freedom. It was intended to simplify things and ensure that every freed slave could gain citizenship of Everything. That must be a couple of centuries ago now and we don’t have plaid slaves anymore, for some reason, so what’s the point in keeping such a ridiculous law in place? We only have so much space and so much wealth available, so we can’t keep letting people in. We’ve reached our limit and we need to start taking control of who can be an Everythinger and who can’t. In our modern world, anybody can easily and safely traverse half the globe in a matter of hours, rather than risking their life across months and months of dangerous travel. Doesn’t it make sense to modernize our Constitution to allow us to better deal with the realities of the world as they exist today?
Ah, now that’s different if you’re going to change the Constitution before you start refusing citizenship to those who have been born in Everything. I could definitely support your plan in that case.
Who said anything about changing the Constitution?
You did Hugo.
Really? Doesn’t sound like me.
You probably had one glass too many of jus soli, hehehehe, do you see what I did there? Owww!
Do you see what I did there? Here’s the thing, Troy, changing the Constitution takes time, assuming we could even change it. And why should we? If we get elected by the people to make Everything great again, why should we be bound by rules from centuries ago that make it harder or even impossible for us to do what the people want us to do?
But surely what you’re talking about means breaking the law.
Well, technically perhaps, but it’s only for foreigners, where’s the problem with that?
I guess if you wouldn’t ever break the law when dealing with Everythingers, that perhaps doesn’t sound so bad.
Ah, now who said that I wouldn’t ever break the law when dealing with Everythingers?
You did, Hugo.
Hmmmmmm, I’m really going to have to work on my messaging, that’s certainly not what I heard myself saying internally. Look, the way I see it, Troy, is that bending and perhaps fracturing a law or two when it comes to dealing with foreigners is a great way to introduce the losers to the idea that maybe we can achieve a bit more, a bit more quickly, if we carefully and in a very, very considered way, occasionally act in a slightly different way to how the laws of Everything suggest that we probably should act in absolutely perfect circumstances, which obviously rarely if ever actually occur in the real world.
That sounds wrong.
Troy, get a grip on yourself, man. You sound like one of the losers. Do you want to be one of We The People or not? You can’t go acting like we owe the losers anything. The laws and the Constitution are for We The People, not them. Pick your side and I advise you to pick wisely. Remember, We The People have power. Power is everything. When you have power, you can do anything. To anyone. At any time. Surely you want that, don’t you?
I’m not sure.
But this is just one of the great benefits you can gain if you join We The People. Just consider the situation my good friend Sebaceous Ooze has just been through. You probably read about his case in the gutter press. The poor noble man was charged with insider trading, but not because he was trying to make any money for himself. No, because out of the goodness of his heart he wanted to help his pilot who flew his 100 million spondoolicks private jet for him. The imprudent pilot hadn’t made any plans to pay into a pension to see him through his old age, so good old Sebaceous stepped in and gave him a stock tip. What a guy, huh?
Really? He could have actually used some of his vast personal wealth to pay for a pension for his loyal employee.
Ha ha ha ha, oh I do like you Troy, that super-dry sense of humor of yours gets me every time.
Well, I doubt his pilot would be laughing, as he was also charged and tried for insider trading.
Ah, yes indeed and that’s the exact point I was going to make. Good old Sebaceous is worth about 6.8 billion spondoolicks. For his naughty insider trading, he was given three years of probation and a fine of five million spondoolicks. If you work it out proportionally, that’s roughly the equivalent of someone who earns the average wage in Everything being told to pay a fine of 32 spondoolicks. It’s a joke, Troy, and the joke’s on the losers, because here’s where it gets utterly hilarious. His pilot also pleaded guilty and also received three years’ probation. However, he had to sacrifice more than 180,000 spondoolicks. Based on what I pay my pilots, that’s more than a whole year’s salary. Just let that soak in and think about it for a moment. The We The People offender was fined the equivalent of a couple of hours at minimum wage, while the loser offender was fined more than a whole year’s salary. That’s outrageously unfair, but that’s just one of the reasons I so enjoy being a part of We The People. We simply don’t commit crimes in the same way that the losers do, because the laws just don’t apply to us in the same way. I can get away with things that would have you locked up in an instant. But I can change that for you, Troy, if you agree to stand with me. You too, can enjoy the power that comes from being We The People. And if you don’t think you can do it for yourself, put your family first and do it for them. Just imagine life for your little ‘uns when they’re no longer kids. What would you do if your little boy accidentally found himself caught up in the gang rape of a sweet young thing when living in a fraternity house at college or your baby girl, when all grown up, runs down and kills a toddler when smacked out of her head with an armful of some drug or other? If they’re still part of the losers, these events will end their lives before they even start, but as members of a We The People family, a harsh punishment would be a 100-hour community order. Don’t you want to feel the freedom of the laws not applying to you, while ensuring the safety of your children?
When you put it like that, it does seem to make a lot of sense. Obviously I’m not thinking about myself, of course, only what would be best for my children.
Of course you are, Troy, but seeing as you’ve not really thought about what it could mean to you, why not give it a little thought right now. Go on, go ahead, Troy, think of some of the things you could do with power. Come on, let your hair down and try and enjoy yourself.
This feels really odd and uncomfortable, Hugo, but I guess I could jump to the front of the queue in Wally’s Market every time, no matter how busy the tills were.
Well, yes, that’s true, but doesn’t that feel a little like a misuse of the abuse of power? Maybe think a little bigger.
Urrr, I could…jump red lights and just swear at the police officers when they stop me and realize who they pulled over.
That’s an improvement, indeed, but you can do better than that.
I’d marry the beautiful and vivacious popstar Tambourina Truckpainter without divorcing my current wife, Sybillista.
In principle, I like that a lot. I’d certainly be keen on adding Harley ZKZ to the marital payroll, hashtag splat summer, lolz! But…
Have you any idea what you just said, Hugo?
None whatsoever. I was on Drooling Frankie’s podcast last week and he was giving me some pointers on connecting with the youth vote. But, as I was about to say, before being so rudely interrupted, as much as I like the idea of multiple wives, I’m doing all I can right now to appeal to the religious right for their votes. I’m not sure polygamy would go down well with The Middle Kraptist Church. Perhaps try for something less controversial, Troy?
When I’m in a bar and I see a beautiful woman drinking alone, I could go up behind her and grab her by the ass and she wouldn’t do anything because I am Troy Laboy.
Oh yes, that’s a classic move right there. One of my favorites in fact and not in the slightest bit controversial with the religious voting contingent. That’s much more like it, you’re getting the idea now, Troy. Give me more.
It’s New Year’s Eve and I ride a huge shining white unicorn into Imperial Square, my new wife, Tambourina Truckpainter, holding me tightly from behind as her proud parents watch on from the rear of a police van just in case some leverage is needed over Tambourina at any point and as the unwashed masses turn and realize I’m there, they all drop to one knee and raise their right fists into the air, all calling as one, ‘Troy, Troy, Troy…’ and then hordes of unwashed parents press forward, holding their new-born children in front of them, proffering them to me with pleading eyes and I take one of the babies and walk to the plinth below the Great Golden Orb and place the baby there and then the Ploppy Bell strikes midnight and the Great Golden Orb plummets to the earth, squishing the baby on the plinth, showering those closest with blood and flesh and brain tissue as we all honor the great god Wickabicka to ensure that he brings us glory in the new year and as the blood drips into their wide open mouths, they, like everyone else, continue calling my name in a frenzy and then three stunning teenaged foreign exchange students, triplets called Helga, Gretchen and Eva, force their way to the front of the crowd and, pulling at the legs of my pants, look up at me and beg me to make them women and sow my seed all over them and Tambourina nods and says ‘You deserve it darling’ and I take Helga, Gretchen and Eva to my penthouse at the top of Troy Tower and I mount them one-by-one like Mr Hooterz riding one of his wild bears through the mountains of Nothing stripped to the waist, only I’ve stripped the bottom half, narf narf. Yes, actually, thinking about it, I might do that if I had a bit of power. Anyway, how was that?
.
I can go on.
?!?
So, after hosing Helga, Gretchen and Eva with the hallowed seed of Laboy, I have Jeeves saddle up Geoff, my favorite Pegasus, and then administer a stiff thrashing to Jeeves with my riding crop for subservience or fun or both and then Geoff and I ride off to…
Shheeeeeesshussssss, Troy enough…I mean a really great exercise and with some beautiful imagery. Though, as my dear friend, and Everything’s greatest TV anchorman of all time, Ron Burgundy would say, ‘That escalated quickly.’ Still, you show real potential for the wise and imaginative, yet perfectly reasonable exploitation of power. How do you feel after that? It looked like a bit of a release.
Oh lordy, I hope that doesn’t stain, but yes, you’re right, I feel alive. Really, really alive. Like I was never really alive before.
That’s great to hear, Troy, and I think I’ve got a potentially even more enticing bonus law-based superpower you need to know about. I think you’re going to love the way this also skews the way the law works in favor of We The People.