The wealthy have been laughing at us for 12,000 years – it’s not funny anymore!

When did Everything stop being great? Take a ringside seat for the conversation between Hugo Sensationist, the billionaire leader of The National Party, and Troy Laboy, rising star of The People’s Party, as Hugo attempts to convince Troy to switch sides and join his ticket for his run for First-Best-Guy of Everything.

Hugo’s run for power is based on making Everything great again, so it’s surely fair to infer Everything is no longer great. As they spar, we get to consider some of the times when, perhaps, Everything stopped being great. But just which one was the one that broke the camel’s back and brought Everything crashing down from greatness?

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So, did Everything stop being great when…

• …politicians stopped serving the people? Hugo explains how The Constitution only applies to the wealthiest 1% of Everythingers, while remaining surprisingly calm at being compared to Emperor Pupienus. Oh yes, there’s even a hands joke thrown in because all our favorite authoritarians love a good joke about hands, though surprisingly it’s nothing to do with their size.
• …loyalty became more important than ability? Troy reveals how the current First-Best-Guy has been in an unacknowledged coma for 15 months, but Hugo’s more concerned with whether to fight a duck-sized sabretooth tiger or a sabretooth tiger-sized duck. We also discover that few things test loyalty like ending a rally with 45 minutes of bad sax playing and even get an insight into how Spot’s King’s Administrator, Fantastico Hobble, came to be replaced by the stripper Bambi, though only for 49 days – blame the abacus
• …politicians formed political parties? We learn how voters are like a wife and political parties are like a mistress and how The Framers of The Constitution missed the reality that politicians would put party before constituents. And has Troy really come up with a workable plan to bring true democracy to Everything, in response to Hugo’s claim that no-one who wants to be a politician should be allowed to be a politician?
• …politics became entertainment? Is Hugo right to say voters see political parties like sports teams and that a winning smile is a politician’s vital tool? Something like (=ʘᆽʘ=)…oops, no, something more like (✿◠‿◠). Meanwhile, Troy shows his political acumen by engaging with social media influencers, like Nellie Does The News and Perry from Stoned, Boned and Automobiled, before a debate over whether Krusties was “The glow in the dark breakfast cereal”
• …Everything embraced discrimination? Troy get’s confused between his four-year-old’s favorite TV shows, Druglord, Pimplord and Throat Slasher and Mr Legumbre, as Hugo argues that, despite people being people wherever we go, people always focus on their differences. All of which leads to the question of positive discrimination, “do two wrongs make a right?”, and the revelation that The People’s Party are fighting the wrong politically-correct battles, with the Jeans/Genes ad just the latest example. More importantly, though, are Game Fella Joystick Pants really a thing?
• …the military was hollowed out? It seems Hugo sees Everything’s military as an easy way to a quick buck and there’s no place for women in the armed forces, be they armed with power-washers or vacuum cleaners, though has he come up with an ingenious plan to use the military without the huge expense of them fighting enemies overseas?
• …the poorest had to bail out the richest? We have a difference of opinion over what constitutes “nationalization”, though Hugo gets excited over Troy’s claims he could train a monkey to run a huge business like the aircraft manufacturer, Crumple. While the two fail to agree on the merits of small government, Hugo does seem to convince the “forever-puppy” Troy that giving wads of government money to wealthy bankers is the right thing to do – can we argue with his logic?
• …the unions were broken? Hugo’s treatment of his butler of 40 years seems a bit of a harsh demonstration of his hate for unions, but perhaps not as harsh as the way unions were crushed at SpaceEx, the out of this world alternative to divorce. Fortunately, the cutey-wutey dogs, Bunty and Satan, ensure a brighter end to the chapter, though why is Satan bleeding?
• …Everythingers allowed wealth to be hoarded for generations? Does Troy have a point that inheritances are counter to a core principle of capitalism? Hugo deosn’t seem convinced, but maybe he’s right that his popular TV show, Sheep Pit, ensures that the cream can rise to the top, with businesses like The Chocolate Cafetiere Company, the Sugar Paper Umbrella Company and the Pigwoo self-balancing hover board gaining investment from Hugo, but is Troy right about the Pigwoo’s dark secret?
• …money became more important than the planet? Sometimes you just have to wonder wide-eyed at how Troy has the ability to turn a discussion on climate change into a fan love-in for Sadman Pants, especially when Hugo uses the opportunity to reveal one of the biggest crimes against humanity, ever, and I don’t mean the quizmaster not giving Troy’s pub quiz team half a point for “chocolate-covered peanuts”
• …the wealthy started to ignore the law? You weren’t expecting a jus soli joke? No-one expects a jus soli joke, but don’t worry, normal service is resumed as Hugo points out the gross imbalance in the application of Everything’s laws to rich and poor, and Troy partakes in a role-playing exercise to see how he’d abuse the privilege of laws not really applying to him – I don’t imagine Hugo’s the only one left speechless by Troy’s plans for New Year’s Eve with his popstar wife, Tambourina Truckpainter
• …the wealthy turned to lawfare? Poor Semaphore Biggles was only making people laugh with his tiny penis joke, but he won’t be doing that again against such a master of lawfare as Hugo, a hero of the cause who was even prepared to stand up to the fake news Journal when they published that dreadful “lie” about “that” birthday cake he gifted to his Spottish “pal”, Prince Pettifogger
• …democracy failed? It’s not surprising that the liberal hero Troy would get upset at the accusation he’s a fascist, but has Hugo got a point? And is Everything really a liberal fascist state, rather than a democracy? Those might be easier questions to answer if, unlike Troy, you can readily offer a succinct definition of fascism. Oh yes, and we’ve even got a “very stable genius” gag to look forward to
• …Everythingers were told to hate their neighbours? Could it really be true, as Hugo claims, that The National Party seems more credible with the voters because they’re open about their selfish goals? And did the Framers of The Constitution really make a mistake protecting “free speech” instead of “free debate”? Oh, and feel free to salute me for inserting some cock jokes into the discussion of such a profound subject
• …the media started creating the truth? Hugo gloats at the power of the privately owned media to control the truth, even discrediting publicly-funded media in the process. The example of a First-Best-Guy and a sheep may be graphic, but it’s hard to argue against the public perception of the Death Tax as being proof-positive of the media’s hold over their audience
• …politicians ignored the voters’ wishes on immigration? Ignore Hugo’s confusion between documentaries and movies, does he have a point about historic refugee agreements no longer being fit for purpose in the modern world? Oh yeah, the monkey from chapter eight is back – monkey press button, monkey get banana
• …AI took all the jobs? Golly, this is all a bit bleak, might be best to skip this chapter, even with its 70’s horror film Easter egg. Still, have you ever got close to the end of writing a book and thought “what this really needs right now is one more very stable genius joke”? Yeah, me too
• …politicians became educators? Hugo shares his belief that politicians need to take control of the education of Everything’s young, though his seemingly wilful misunderstanding of the Huffypuffy University student body’s statement after the Lorettan Airlines attacks suggests that might not be the best move for the universities. As Troy notes, the statement wasn’t supportive of the People’s Front of Reg, and can it really be anti-stanistic if it doesn’t even reference Bigusdickuses?
• …they started banning books? Hugo’s certainly got a bee in his bonnet about the content in 50 Tall Buildings Of The World To Color, but it’s worth it to hear him demanding his crayons, “NOW!” Still, has he got a point about the kids’ book Harry and Sally Go To The Farm, in which Sally rides a donkey, being unsuitable for children, because of its challenging subject matter?
• …the losers stopped thinking for themselves? It might be unfair to say that Everythinger’s are a special kind of stupid, but Hugo’s explanation of the Gun to the Head question does highlight typical and illogical human behavior. Wonder what happened to the window cleaner?
• …the Deep State took over Everything? Is Troy right to be outraged by ex-First-Best-Guy Hermes Wackoff buying the billion spondoolix worth Slippery Nipple 2 mega-yacht for one spondoolix after the Oily government gifted it to Everything’s people? Either way, if you’re no conspiracy theorist, the Deep State probably seems like a crazy concept, but maybe not when Hugo reveals the astounding truth…duh, Duh DUH!!!