So, Hugo, Everythingers should be working together if your plan is to shrink government to make it easier for you to profit from them. They should be promoting the merits of labor unions to each other. That will help give them some power to counter the actions of We The People.
Unions? That’s priceless, Troy. Undoubtedly, the single greatest achievement of the National Party has been convincing ordinary Everythingers that unions are a dreadful evil that will make their lives worse than they ever should be. In fairness, the party owes a debt of gratitude to Spot’s four-time King’s Counsel, Hadget Pharmsey. She was a true fascist political genius. I can only wonder at how she convinced tens of millions of working-class Spotians that they were actually middle-class. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. It’s an open secret that First-Best-Guy Rogered Bueyboy had an affair with her. They really did have a ‘special relationship’, with his two terms cementing him as the greatest National Party leader of the last 150 years. Well, until me, of course. And most of the great things he did were just to impress Pharmsey.
So you think the blame for just 10% of Everythingers being union members today is down to one of Spot’s leaders from 40 years ago or more?
Perhaps it’s just the hangover of a schoolboy crush, but why not give her some credit?
Schoolboy crush? I’m doing the sums and mid-life crisis might be nearer the mark.
Whatever, I guess she reminded me of matron. Anyway, once Hadget Pharmsey convinced most of Spot’s working-class that they were actually middle-class, it made it easy for her to separate them from the traditional working-class institutions and to render those institutions near to irrelevant. The unions were just one of those institutions, but a hugely important one to break. By selling off social housing at dirt-cheap prices, she removed a hugely costly obligation from her government’s duties while simultaneously converting a huge part of the population into her voters. She then presented the unions as nasty organisations run by petty little men who wanted to quench their hatred of their betters and punish and hurt everyone else. Her new voters wanted nothing to do with the unions anymore, seeing them as dirty little reminders of where they came from and no longer fit for their new lives. Of course, they never saw the long-term damage they were doing themselves by giving up the power that numbers gave them. Their own pride was the architect of their downfall.
You really see pride as the key to the downfall of the unions?
Absolutely and Everythingers have made the exact same mistake, seeing the unions as an unsavory relic from the past, rather than organisations that give them the power to stand up to We The People. They’re proud and think the unions are below them. Something their parents and grandparents needed, but unnecessary for them and their sophisticated ways.
It’s crazy that they’ve walked away from one of their biggest points of power.
It is and it isn’t. The core of the problem is that they listen to their betters rather than each other. Of course, we’re going to tell them unions are a terrible idea. What makes them weaker makes us stronger.
But why do you hate unions so much? They hardly change the balance of power, at best they only make the playing field a little more level.
I don’t want a level playing field. I want to know I hold all the cards. Gransom! Carstairs! Here, now!
You called, sir?
Yes, sir?
Gransom, Mr Laboy here has been explaining to me the importance of workers being members of a labor union. Would you like to join a union, Gransom?
Very good, sir, if it makes you happy.
Makes me happy, you’ve got some neck, you treacherous snake. How about you, Carstairs, you want to join comrade Gransom in the union?
Oh no, sir, I fear it would detract from my ability to serve you to the best of my ability.
Right, Gransom, you’re fired! Clear your room and sling your hook. Carstairs, you’re my new lead butler. If Gransom’s not out of the door in five minutes, release the dogs on him.
Very good, sir, though just one thing.
What is it, Carstairs? I’m a very busy man.
It’s just that we don’t have any dogs.
With your promotion, you’re going to have to get used to greater responsibility within my household, so time to start showing some initiative. Get some dogs, Carstairs.
In less than five minutes? Might I suggest double-barrel buckshot, perhaps, as an alternative?
DOGS, CARSTAIRS!
Of course, sir.
So still convinced that unions are a positive thing for the working class then, Troy?
That was pretty harsh, but had he actually been in a union before you sacked him, you may not have found things went so easily for you.
Well, he wasn’t and they did. Anyway, it should be a blessing for Gransom. He was getting on a bit, so I’ve given him the opportunity to spend his remaining days relaxing. You know, I don’t think I ever saw him sit down in almost forty years. Now he’ll be able to spend all day, every day, sat down on a piece of damp cardboard on the sidewalk. Bet the selfish barsteward doesn’t pop in before leaving to thank me, though. I shouldn’t be surprised, though, all workers are selfish and ungrateful barstewards.
Seems a rather one-sided view of the world. Perhaps if the union at Crumple had maintained its strength, that company wouldn’t have been driven into the gutter by mindless management. The whole problem there seems to be that the focus of the leadership was solely on serving their shareholders. The priority for any business should be serving their customers and then, second to that, serving their workers. A business can’t survive without those two key groups. Shareholders should only ever feature a distant third in terms of who needs to be kept happy.
I agree with your sentiments on the importance of customers, but I’d say you misunderstand the position of shareholders. They’re customers too. They’ve bought a share of the profits and while they may be on the back-end, they deserve to be prioritized every bit as much as the front-end customers. Which leaves the workers at the bottom of the pyramid of importance. I think we can see this set-up in action very well at Eleanor Frankicense-Centric’s SpaceEx. She’s been very firm on blocking unionisation among her workers and they love her for it. She’s a strong leader and her workers respect her for it as they all know where they stand.
I’m not sure SpaceEx should serve as a positive example in any kind of scenario. Sure, ‘the out of this world alternative to divorce’ may sound like a clever and witty line to end a TV advert, but the business should never have been allowed to operate. These are real people whose lives have been utterly uprooted and sent into eternal orbit. And as for her workers knowing where they stand with her, considering the first two test launches of the service used leading members of the internal movement for unionizing SpaceEx, it’s hardly surprising that particular labor movement died off very quickly.
Look Troy, I’m not saying I’m a fan of SpaceEx, but everything Eleanor has done has been entirely legal and above board. Every launch has been from Equatorial Tribble, where one-way space flights are fully compliant with that country’s constitution and laws.
Good grief, what was that terrifying, blood-curdling scream?
CARSTAIRS, WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON?
Sorry to disturb you both, sir, the dogs were just helping Gransom off the property.
Yap yip yap yip yap yip yap yip yap yip.
Ah, Bunty and Satan, hello fellas. Good thinking, Carstairs, borrowing the dogs from Mrs Malfeasance on the 36th floor.
Umm, Hugo, which one is Bunty and which one is Satan?
Use some common sense, Troy, how could anyone possibly name such a cute little French Bulldog as this Satan?
Right, so Satan’s the Pomeranian then?
Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy, then Bunty? Yes, you are. Yes, you’re a good boy too, Satan. Satan do shaky paw with his uncle Hugo? Oh, good boy. Carstairs, quick man, call a vet, Satan’s bleeding.
Please, relax, sir, that’s Gransom’s blood. I don’t imagine the treacherous snake will be able to sit for a week.
Oh, phew, nothing to worry about then. But how on earth did Satan manage to reach up to him.
Satan didn’t need to, sir, I picked him up. Gransom really doesn’t move very quickly now, though he did put on a surprising turn of speed as Satan sank his teeth into his backside.
Good man, Carstairs, your promotion seems to have been well merited, you’re positively oozing initiative.
Congratulations, Carstairs, but this doesn’t seem very fair for Gransom, Hugo.