Oddly, no, I’m not sure I do find that so reassuring, Hugo. Still, while the rank and file might feel unable to stand up to authority, I suspect you may find it more difficult to make those in positions of command give the orders that could turn the might of the state against ordinary Everythingers.
You make a very good point there and it’s not one that hasn’t vexed myself and my team. The good news is we’re pretty sure there’s a really simple solution to this potentially sticky issue and to ensure we build a stronger military. We sack those currently in the leadership roles and replace them with men who we know will be loyal to me and will follow and give any order I give to them.
But Hugo, sacking the most able leaders in the military and replacing them with men you believe will be loyal to you won’t make Everything stronger. On the contrary, it will make our country weaker. Just look at the example of Nothing and how Mr Hooterz has turned his military into a reward for the biggest brown-nosers in Nothing. They’re meant to have one of the three most powerful militaries on the planet and the Bumptywasia war was meant to be over in a weekend, facing as little resistance as when he annexed the Sunny peninsula. But here we are, some four years later and he’s lost more than a million troops dead or injured, and he still hasn’t even achieved air superiority. Our professional military would have spent a few weeks taking control of the skies and breezed into their capital in less than 48 hours. What you’re suggesting would make Everything just as weak and ineffective as Nothing. Don’t you see that?
Oh, you think you understand everything so much better, but stop and remember the 250 year anniversary parade. We were both there. What did you think of it?
Well, it was all very impressive, if you like that kind of thing.
But what about the soldiers with plaid skin? I mean come on, plaid and olive camo! We can’t be promoting plaid-skinned men to leadership roles. Camo and plaid looks utterly ridiculous, doesn’t it?
Well, granted, Hugo, plaid skin combined with military camo does look a little grating on the eye, but should we really be making military leadership decisions based on appearances? It’s a professional and lethal military we’re meant to be managing, not a fashion show.
Yes, Troy, yes, of course we should. If you join me as Second-Best-Guy, do you really want to be photographed with a four-star general who looks like a clown who got caught in an explosion at a paint factory? No, of course you don’t, Mr Hooterz would laugh you out of town. You’re the one talking about the importance of a professional military. We’re not going to have a professional military with tartan clowns in charge, are we? We have to promote white men and while we’re doing it, naturally it makes sense to pick white men we know we can trust to do what’s in our best interests.
The country’s best interests, surely, Hugo?
Yeah, whatever, it’s all just semantics, and you’re right to focus on the best interests of the country. For that, we need the most advanced weaponry the world has ever seen, so all our enemies know it would be suicide to stand up to us. It’s essential that all branches of our military work closely with our great Everything weapons producers. The most advanced weapons will always ensure that we can never be defeated. Of course, the most advanced weapons are very expensive, which can lead to huge profits for those loyal Everything businesses, so be sure to buy plenty of their shares, Troy. There’s big money to be made ordering lots of advanced weapons.
That sounds a bit improper, Hugo.
You really are quite the Boy Scout, aren’t you, but don’t worry, it’s all above board. When we enter government, we just put all of our shares and investments into blind trusts that we have no control over. So, to be clear, we have to be sure to make all our agreements with our glorious weapons companies before we’re sworn in.
Oh, that sounds fine then, really it does, but ignoring the ethics of profiteering from the weapons suppliers, are the most advanced new weapons really what Everything should be spending its money on? Look at the Bumptywasia war. One of the reasons Nothing has failed to have mass success is the asymmetrical nature of the weaponry. We’ve seen hundreds, perhaps thousands of 50-ton main battle tanks destroyed or disabled by shoulder-launched missiles and drones weighing just kilograms. Nothing has had great success tossing cheap and simple glide bombs from well behind the front lines, but their navy has been humiliated by Bumptywasia’s HI powered surface and subsurface drones that cost just thousands of spondoolicks.
I think you mean AI powered drones.
No, it’s HI, Hamster Intelligence. They’re vicious little buggers, Hugo. Hamsters and HI is where Everything should be looking to invest our future military budget. Building little hamster sized aircraft and boats means we’ll give our military the ability to do much more for much less.
Umm…an interesting take, Troy, but don’t you think it sounds a bit radical to be targeting mere potential with no thought given to huge, long-term profits?
It almost feels like you just want to turn our military into a crazy little plaything for your own amusement and profit.
Oh yeah, that reminds me, have a look at this.
Those three women look vaguely familiar.
They should do, that’s Everything’s vice chief of Naval Operations, the commander of Everything’s Southern Command and the commandant of the Coast Guard.
Golly, they appear to be very friendly.
It’s not real, Troy, though it takes huge talent to craft a prompt that makes QrapGPT generate such a sexually explicit image. I had an intern working on that for three weeks. But my point is, look at them. They hardly look scary or threatening do they?
Well, I don’t think I’d feel comfortable with Commandant Dottythea Hernandoo doing that to me with a power-washer.
Hang on, let me look at that a moment Troy, umm…yeah, that’s not a power-washer, that’s a vacuum cleaner. That casts it in a very different light, doesn’t it?
Well, sure, I guess I’d be up for that if it was a vacuum cleaner, Hugo.
Exactly. We can’t have dolly-birds in uniform, armed with vacuum cleaners projecting Everything’s military might around the world, can we? Clearly, they need to be redeployed to roles more fitting for their fluffy-wuffy skill-sets and their jobs to be taken by white men who will scare the living daylights out of our enemies, even if those enemies are traitorous Everythingers. Don’t you agree, Troy?
When you put it like that, there is some merit to what you’re saying. I have to concede that. But hang on, you think we should use the military on Everythingers?
Of course we should, Troy. You liberals constantly complain about us conservatives fighting costly wars overseas and how that’s a dreadful waste of money. So, if we’re going to make our military cheaper to run, doesn’t it make obvious sense that we need to use them closer to home. And can anything be closer to home than Everything itself?
Okay, I can see some real logic in that, Hugo, and I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer about this, but that does rather sound like you want to use our military against our people just because you can.
Not our people, Troy, no, no, no, never, we’d only ever use our military against the losers. Perhaps another little reason for you and your family to join We The People. Perhaps?