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You probably think that’s why it’s easy to push ideas like the existence of the Deep State controlling everything in Everything, don’t you, Troy?
Oh, we’re not getting into your populist conspiracy theories again, are we?
It’s no conspiracy, the Deep State is absolutely real. It’s not just a fancy campaigning slogan like Hermes Wackoff’s claim that he was going to drain the swamp. Me taking control of the Deep State will actually happen.
Ah, the late Hermes Wackoff, great actor and lousy First-Best-Guy.
Late? Who said he was dead?
Surely he must be, he didn’t run for a second term because his doctors gave him just months to live. That was four years ago.
The old dog, he didn’t run again because he wanted to enjoy his new-found wealth and get to travel the world on his mega-yacht, The Slippery Nipple 2.
Hang on, The Slippery Nipple 2, wasn’t that the mega-yacht the Oily government gifted to the Department of the Interior?
That’s the one.
So why’s Wackoff got it? It was given to the Everything government and so, by extension, to the citizens of Everything. That was the reason given for Everything’s taxpayers paying for the hugely expensive complete renovation of that boat.
Don’t worry, Troy, it was all above board, Wackoff paid for the yacht.
But it was valued at nearly a billion spondoolicks. Where did Wackoff get that much money?
Well, here’s the thing, the Department of the Interior obviously had no need of an ocean-going yacht, what with there being no oceans in the interior, which put them in a weak negotiating position. On top of that, following the infamous reception given for Spot’s King’s Administrator, Bambi, and some of her senior Cabinet members, including Krystal, Jade and Skye, there was a really rather conspicuous stain on the captain’s chair. They clearly couldn’t sell it for book price in that dilapidated state.
So what did Wackoff pay?
I believe the figure was one spondoolick.
That’s outrageous.
Don’t worry, Troy, when I’m First-Best-Guy, I’m going to reclaim The Slippery Nipple 2 for the government of Everything. That way, you and I will be able to use it. If we use it enough, the wear and tear will probably mean they have to gift it to me eventually because they won’t be able to sell it at any price.
That sounds a lot less outrageous. Still, it feels like Hermes Wackoff didn’t do much swamp draining during his time in The Citadel.
Of course not, if anything, he was generously hosing government down to make it even more swampy. He really is a great inspiration to me. I mean, getting the Oilies to give him a mega-yacht in return for forgetting about past allegations of their support for terrorist groups was brilliant. The crowning glory of his time in office, in fact. But if you add up all the small amounts given to him, a million spondoolicks here and a couple million spondoolicks there, he made an absolute fortune. As he often joked in private, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what your country can give to you?’ And for Wackoff, First-Best-Guy really was the gift that kept giving.
Well, I guess if someone’s going to take advantage, it may as well be us, but should we be dealing with the backers of terrorists, Hugo?
One man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter, Troy. Who are we to say which is which? Remember, there are plenty of other countries that regard Everything as a state-sponsor of terrorism.
When you put it like that, it feels a lot more palatable. What still doesn’t feel palatable is you repeating crazy conspiracy theories about the Deep State running Everything. You’re just pandering to a fringe of nutters who see ghouls in the shadows.
This is where the People’s Party loses out with those losers who should be your natural voters. You treat them with contempt, like you’re too good for them and don’t want their support. They’re not ‘nutters’, Troy. It seems that they’re a lot smarter than you when it comes to recognizing that the tentacles of the Deep State run throughout government.
But there are no tentacles of the Deep State running through the government of Everything, you’re just taking advantage of the fears of many of the losers.
Really? You don’t see it, do you? Tell me, Troy, what is the Deep State, what does it do?
Clearly, I don’t accept the existence of the Deep State, but as a mental exercise only, I’m prepared to hypothesize about this dark and mysterious cabal. So I would define the Deep State as a shadowy and secret group of private individuals from powerful industries and the financial sector, supported by elements of the ‘fake news’ media, working with non-elected government officials operating outside of the law to influence and form government policy that acts in the best interests of the members of Everything’s elite.
A very good definition, Troy. Does it perhaps remind you of anyone else? Might your definition of the Deep State also neatly describe another group of people?
Nothing’s jumping to mind immediately.
Really, Troy? Since you joined me in this meeting today, I’ve spent my whole time trying to persuade you to join with me and We The People and…
Oh, of course. My description of the Deep State perfectly matches We The People. Even in a liberal fascist system like Everything’s current political set-up, everything that our government does is in the interests of We The People. We The People control the media, own all of the nation’s big businesses and have such control of the government that the poorest 50% of Everythingers own just 2.5% of our country’s wealth. So the Deep State is real and hiding in plain sight.
I knew you’d get there, Troy. Now you understand, it’s really quite hilarious, isn’t it? Many of the losers are convinced there’s a dark and shadowy conspiracy hidden deep in the shadows of a secret government, but the whole time it’s out in the sunlight for all to see. It’s really not that deep, either, more of a puddle to splash in where they’re expecting an Olympic-sized pool. They complain of the Deep State acting for a small elite of Everythingers and can’t put one and one together to see the truth. I’m literally campaigning on cutting taxes for the rich, Everything’s upper-class, the elite that the losers so hate, while cutting health care and food aid for the poorest losers and yet I swear to you, Troy, more than half of them are going to vote for me all the same. They’re as much a part of the Deep State as We The People. That would blow their tiny little minds, if they realized they’re a key part of the Deep State conspiracy and if they voted more wisely, they could bring the whole thing they hate crashing down.
So they should vote for the People’s Party, then?
Oh my lord…I can’t breathe…that’s…just…too…funny. Carstairs, CARSTAIRS!
Yes, sir, you called.
Ah, Carstairs, can you tell Derek I’m going to need his pants?
Right away, sir.
Oh, Troy Laboy, have you not seen it all this time?
I might have. Maybe I’m playing with you.
Tangerine, your butler said you needed these, sir.
Thank you Derek, here, take mine.
I’ll be right outside the door with the hairdryer, sir.
Hang on, your Secret Service code-name is Tangerine?
See, I told you I didn’t take it personally, though I draw the line at Emperor Poopy-Anus and Mommy’s Little Soldier. Anyway, to address your question, Troy, should they vote for the People’s Party? The clue is in the name.
Oh.
The We The People’s Party would have been too much of a mouthful, don’t you think? Hence the abbreviated title. You already understand how liberal fascism works. Whoever they vote for, they get more of the same. As a member of the People’s Party, you’re already a part of the Deep State. The choice is whether you remain a cog or join We The People and cause the cogs to turn. I’m tired of the charade of democracy, Troy. We can do so much more if we just forget about the illusion of democracy and embrace pure fascism. I’m an old man…well, a more senior man, and I want to leave my mark on Everything. And when I’m gone, it will all be yours. Assuming you’re the man I believe you to be. If I’m wrong, they’ll lynch you and your family, but surely that’s a gamble worth taking, isn’t it, Troy?
It might be, Hugo. It might be.
So, does that mean you’re with me, Troy?
Oh, I don’t know. You want me to turn my back on everything that I’ve believed and fought for. But you’ve shown me that the losers aren’t prepared to fight for themselves. For ducks sack, if they don’t care about their future, why should I waste my time trying to brainstain some reality into them?
Exactly, their apathy and indifference invite us to rule them like kings.
Excuse me, sir, I’m sorry to interrupt you both, but Eleanor Frankicense-Centric has arrived. I believe you’ve been expecting her.
I have indeed, Carstairs, show her in immediately.
Please come this way Ms Frankicense-Centric.
‘Come this way,’ hey Hugo, narf narf!
What on earth are you on about, Troy? Ah, darling, you look divine, I just love what you’ve done with your hair. A bold choice for one of your vintage, but you carry it off beautifully.