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Of course, Troy, the voters are just as responsible as you and I for the rise of political parties and the parties’ increased power as a result.
As much as I’d like to share the blame around, how do you work that out, Hugo?
Obviously, politics is vitally important and could literally be a matter of life and death – it certainly will be when I’m First-Best-Guy – yet the losers treat it like it’s just another form of entertainment. The idiots seem to pick a political party rather like they’re picking a sports team. And similarly, once they’ve picked one, many will proudly declare how they’ve been a life-long supporter and never consider changing. Have you seen how emotional the losers get when I post on Bicker? I genuinely believe my supporters would walk bare-foot over broken glass if I told them to. And just remember the victory party for Huzzah Cubella after he won the election for First-Best-Guy. It was like the biggest and best New Year’s Eve party ever, rather than a celebration for an election win. But that reaction wasn’t so unusual, it happens after every election. Supporters of the winning party dancing in the streets and turning out to celebrate just like sports fans pouring onto the streets to see their favorite team parading a cup or trophy they won after coming out on top in the Global Series or narrowly winning the Brilliant Dish. I don’t understand it, why do they get so excited?
Because they won, of course.
They didn’t win.
Okay, no, they didn’t, but the team or the party they support won. Of course, they want to celebrate.
I can see I’m not being clear. I do understand the sports fans celebrating a trophy win. We pick our sports teams when we’re young and our loyalty to them lasts a lifetime. Through the good times and the bad, we stick with them. Because those good times make it worth it. They beat a close rival and we dance with strangers. They win a trophy and we’re the champions for a year. Every win is an instant victory for us. But why do the supporters of politicians and their parties celebrate when they win? Tell me, when someone chooses a politician to vote for, what is it that drives their choice?
The politician’s policies. They’re looking for a politician who says they’re going to do the things that are important to them. So that they can help to elect a politician who will make the changes to society that really matter.
Yep, that makes sense, but why do they celebrate when the politician wins? It’s not like the sports team that delivered on their promise by bringing home a trophy. At the point the politician wins, he’s the only winner. All he’s done is make promises. And I don’t think I’m putting forward a radical or disingenuous concept when I say that politicians are notoriously unreliable. They’re expected to tell any lie necessary to convince the voters to vote for them. So how come, as they all know that politicians lie as easily as a goldfish blows bubbles, they think there’s anything worth celebrating when the politician they voted for wins? Surely the time to celebrate is at the end of the politician’s term, when they can see that the politician has done all the things they promised. Or, more likely, discover there’s nothing to celebrate because they did none of the things they promised they would do. Discuss.
Erm…well that makes sense…I’m not sure what to say.
How about ‘THAT IS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC NEWS!!! Let’s celebrate like an idiot voter who has just voted for us to spend a few years with our noses in the trough getting fat at their expense.’ Honestly, Troy, they don’t care about what we do if we’re elected. They only care about voting for the winning party. They pretend they care about our policies, but they don’t really, they just open their minds to let us brainwash them. Forget about substance, style is king. They’re just our stooges to manipulate as we see fit. You need to learn how to play that game, Troy, if you want to have true success in Everything’s political scene today.
You make our role sound very shallow. Surely having a sound grasp of both your own and opposing policies and knowing how to argue yours more strongly over your opponents’ is the key to political success.
Weren’t you listening to me, Troy, or maybe you’ve been brainwashed too? You have to trust me when I say learning how to flash a winning smile should be a much bigger priority for you. Everyone’s beautiful when they smile, even me. See?
You look like you’ve stood barefoot on a Lego.
(=ʘᆽʘ=)
Walked into the bathroom and found your mother-in-law on the toilet?
(°-°)
Trapped wind?
(✿◠‿◠)
Oh, I love you, Hugo.
Clearly, I need to work a bit on the execution so that I’m nailing it first time, every time, but you can see how powerful a technique this is for We The People, can’t you? Work at nailing this, Troy, and you can say and do pretty much whatever you like to your most ardent supporters and they’ll lap it up like dumb little puppy dogs.
Oh, I bet they do, Hugo, you dreamy loveboat, you.
(≧∇≦)
Good grief, what just happened to me?
It’s alright, Troy, nothing to worry about, you’re back with us now and most likely no long-term damage. But it was worth the risk to demonstrate the full power of a winning political smile.
So, is the winning political smile the secret to a politician’s success, then?
No, don’t attach too much value to it. It’s a useful tool that you want to have available at a moment’s notice to help you charm the room. However, real political acumen or nous is what separates a few of us from the rest of the political pack. And let me be clear, Troy, we wouldn’t be talking now if I hadn’t seen hints of that acumen in you.
You think I’ve got real political acumen?
The beginnings of it, yes. It needs work to nurture and develop, but it’s clearly there in you. Just look at what you did on Tuesday. That’s what inspired me to arrange this meeting.
Gosh, really, though…what was it I did on Tuesday?
You know, I was wondering the exact same thing, what did Troy Laboy do on Tuesday?
You liberals can be so unnecessarily modest. I’m talking about the press conference in Suroyt following your photo op with the members of The National Brotherhood of Cheese Miners. Where you invited the first question from the Bish-Bash-Bosh influencer, Nutty or whatever she was called. That was brilliant, making a connection to a young and generally unengaged subset of voters. Really, it was a flash of genius, that showed real vision.
I’m really sorry, we’re going to have to take a quick break here, I’ve no idea about this news conference. Hopefully Smokestack will have something about it…searching…nope…no…yes, here we are, someone’s uploaded a video, and tap play.
Okay, the video and audio quality aren’t great, it’s just someone shooting on their smartphone, but we can see Troy Laboy standing at a scruffy lectern.
I want to do something a little different today, as we’ve got some members of the new media here today, so let’s do our best to reach out to these new younger audiences. Is Nellie from the Nellie Does The News podcast here?
Yay!
Do you have a question, Nellie?
Yes, thinking very much about my followers, what would you…mamma mia, your lips are very red, Mr Laboy!
I get that a lot, but your question?
Yeah, sure, what would you…it’s just I was outside so could only see you on the live feed and I assumed that the color balance on the screen was screwy.
I get that a lot too. Your question, Nellie?
And it’s not lipstick?
No, it’s not, great question Nellie, next up is…
That wasn’t my question, I was going to ask your views on Keynesian Economics versus Monetarism.
… Perry from the Stoned, Boned and Automobiled channel…er, that’s what’s written down here anyway… sorry, madam, would you mind tapping him on the shoulder and reorienting him in this direction?
Whoa, such intense colors…dude, sooooo red!
Yes, we’ve already had the lipstick question, thank you, Perry.
Yeah, sure, but I’m probably coming out with another cliche you’re answering all day long every day, but here goes anyway, duuude, who’s your favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?
Oh, that’s easy, La La. Another great question and next up is…
Right, best hit stop on that now. Makes for oddly compelling viewing, though. Anyway, I’m starting to think that Hugo’s easily impressed, but we’d both be fools to underestimate him. If he thinks Troy Laboy did something impressive for a politician there, I’m inclined to believe that he’s right and I’m the naive idiot here.
Oh, that, to be honest, that was down to my nephew, Spudlow. He’s got a big crush on Nellie of Nellie Does The News, so that was more about trying to get him a meeting with her.
More unnecessary modesty, Troy. Most politicians are boring, gray-haired fuddy-duddies who think the voters are just like them. It takes imagination to look for new audiences of new voters and reaching out to Nutty of Nutty Does The News shows me that you’re an out-of-the-box, blue-sky thinker who’s happy to throw random stuff at the wall to see what sticks. You’re rough around the edges, but I could help you become a politician who stands out even more clearly from the gray clones in the pack. Don’t you want to learn more of my secrets that make me such a formidable political opponent, even to my friends and colleagues?
I guess it wouldn’t do any harm.
Careful, Troy, that overly-excited and effervescent personality may work with the invigorated youth, but you’re really going to have to work on toning it down for the older voters.
You’re doing sarcasm now, aren’t you?
You are sharp. With me teaching you, perhaps one day you’ll be as sharp as me.
Okay then, give me a bit of Mr Miyagi wisdom right now.
You need to keep the message simple and tap into the things already in their head that they want and that reassure them. Even if these are things they won’t openly admit to. You can’t make them feel what you want them to feel, you have to latch onto the things that they’re already feeling. From meeting attendees at my events, I got a general feeling of dissatisfaction with how Everything is today. While there were various complaints, the consensus of opinion was that our once great country is in decline. Which led me to hit upon ‘Make Everything Great Again’ and you won’t believe where I got the inspiration for that.
Er.
Um.
Ho.
Well, aren’t you going to ask me where I got the inspiration from, Troy?
What, oh yeah, sure, erm, so where did you get the inspiration for ‘Make Everything Great Again’, Hugo?
Well, it’s a funny story, Troy, I was actually inspired by some crappy breakfast cereal ad from when I was a kid. Krusties. Their slogan was ‘They’re great!’ You see by tapping into a memory of childhood, I can…
Hey, hang on, that slogan wasn’t Krusties.
Sure it was. Are you questioning me, Troy?
No, Hugo, it’s just I was sure that Krusties was a Hedgehogs Cereals product, before the company went bankrupt. And I recall their slogan as ‘The glow in the dark breakfast cereal’. And then they found that lots of kids were starting to glow in the dark.
No, I’m definitely right on this. It was a blue box with a grinning Timmy or Terry the Tiger doing a big thumbs up.
You see, I’m recalling a day-glo green box that apparently used to set off Geiger counters even without the cereal in it, and Andy the Armadillo doing the okay sign, with a single raised eyebrow that made him look a bit quizzical, like he was asking ‘are you okay?’
Ahh…maybe…anyway, it really doesn’t matter what the cereal was, the thing is that’s just the brilliant way I tap into the unconscious of the electorate. I target something that reminds them of a safe and happy time in their life and it helps make my message seem like one that will make them feel happy and safe once again.
So now I know that, does that make me like a grand-master of modern politics?
Get a grip, Troy, we’ve barely even scratched the surface, I’ve not even touched upon the importance of hate.
What, hating those who support a different team? Or rather, I mean a different party.
Yes, we absolutely need to stir up hate for supporters of the other party. It’s proven to be hugely effective in making sports fans crazy loyal and we’d be nutters not to leverage the same effect for political parties. We have to take advantage of their madiavellian nature.
Umm, don’t you mean Machiavellian? And I’m not sure where the end justifies the means applies in all this.
Because it doesn’t and I do mean madiavellian. It’s mad that the losers think that the means justify the end. Like sports fans, the losers hate the other side. They hate those who vote for the other party so much, they’re prepared to suffer anything to see the other side lose. Winning is more important than what happens after they win. They want to crush the other side so badly, that if they have to crush themselves in the process, so be it.
That’s horrendous. And utterly mad.
Oh, it is, Troy. Isn’t it wonderful? And that’s just scratching the surface of hate. It’s a hugely powerful and flexible tool for us. I can’t hope to cover all of it, but we can consider one key aspect now, if you’d like?