But how can they be so confused, Hugo?
Oh, come now, Troy, the world is a confusing and confused place. Just consider communism and capitalism.
In what way? They’re simply two diametrically opposed ways of running a human society. What more is there to say?
Of course, they’re meant to be very different. Total opposites, in fact. But to We The People and our peers across the world, they’re the same gift, just wrapped in different paper. The commies are partial to a metallic red foil, while for us capitalists, all that glitters must be gold. But do you really see them as being so different?
Well, yes, of course I do. Everyone knows they’re completely different approaches to how we structure human societies. Communism, as the name suggests, sees every member in society sharing the ownership of all property and contributing and receiving depending on their needs. While capitalism centers on private ownership of property. And as we’ve already seen, the longer that capitalist systems are allowed to run, the more concentrated ownership becomes, with a small minority of people owning more and more property. They’re chalk and cheese different, Hugo, and there’s nothing you can say to convince me otherwise.
Really? Not learned from your Berry stables genius experience, then. So, how about we make things a bit interesting? Are you game, Troy?
Why not, Hugo? Seeing that you’re so confident, if you don’t convince me they’re not completely different, how about you join my ticket? I’ll run for First-Best-Guy with you as my Second-Best-Guy.
What a marvelous idea. And if I do convince you, my favorite tattooist will ink you with two super-large elephant ear tattoos. I trust that’s acceptable, Troy?
Umm, so, on a scale of zero to ten, how confident would you say you are, Hugo?
Oh, not very. Perhaps a three or a three and a half. Actually, perhaps I was a bit rash and we should…
Right let’s do it. We’re both agreed. Go on then, convince me that communism and capitalism aren’t completely different.
Oh dear, the forever-puppy really doesn’t realize what just happened there, does he?
Carstairs! CARSTAIRS!
Yes, sir?
Give Rusty Patiodoors a call, will you? I need him to pop over immediately with his gear. Mr Laboy here will be getting a couple of tattoos done before he leaves this evening.
Of course, sir?
Erm, I thought you weren’t feeling very confident, Hugo.
Well, I’m sure you’re going to win this silly little bet, Troy, but “Be prepared” is the motto of the Boy Scouts and since I served, it’s been a maxim I try to live by.
Not so fast, Hugo. The Journal ran an expose on you that said you got four deferments from the Boy Scouts to complete Homemade Lemonade School and finally an exemption because of a questionable case of Unicorn Hornitis.
That’s one way to interpret the facts, but I like to think that, despite the harsh misfortunes dealt to me by Lady Luck, I served in spirit. Anyway, stop trying to distract me from showing you how communism and capitalism are so similar. As you’ve said, communism is meant to provide to everyone what they need. That sounds like a wonderful idea, but the reality is that the needs of the leaders are always much, much greater than the needs of the rest of the people. They take all that they want and throw the scraps of what is left to the poor. Of course, this situation is made even worse by the communist policy of no private ownership. This means that the entrepreneurs who build and run the most successful businesses, those that drive the economy, have their businesses taken from them. Those businesses end up in the hands of incompetents, chosen by the leaders for personal loyalty, rather than ability. So, at the same time that those at the top are taking as much as possible, poorly run business cause the economy to shrink. And while that doesn’t stop the leaders taking just as much as they want, it leaves less to be shared between the rest of the people.
No surprises there, Hugo. Perhaps you should cancel Mr Patiodoors and I should call my printer about promo materials for our ticket.
Not so fast, Troy. It will come as no surprise to anyone that the leaders in capitalist systems also take much more from the system than anyone else. Obviously we want to profit as much as possible, just like those pesky commies. What’s generally missed, shielded by a capitalistic sleight of hand, is that we also take businesses away from successful entrepreneurs. We replace them with leaders who maximize the profits for us stockholders, even if that means the business makes less money.
Are you sure about that, Hugo? It doesn’t sound right.
The facts tell the story. 60% of entrepreneurs are ousted from their company by the time they file for an IPO. And of the remainder, half of those are gone within three years. We don’t care about growing each business. We only care about making our share of each business bigger. Remember Flantagulous Wardrobe at Crumple. Crumple was part of a duopoly with 500 billion spondoolicks of orders, yet because Wardrobe focused on profits for stockholders, he all but ran the business into the ground. It’s no different to how the commies steal businesses for their own gain. As stated, they’re the same gift wrapped in different paper.
Oh…gosh…that’s interesting. But, Hugo, have you really done enough to merit two elephant ear tattoos?
Never say I’m anything other than fair. So let’s split the difference and you’ll get just one elephant ear tattoo. That’s my final offer.
Oh, thank you, Hugo, I think that’s fair for everyone. I’m confused, though. If you’re right, then capitalism fails just as badly as communism.
Failed sounds a bit of a harsh judgement, doesn’t it, Troy? Let’s just say that they share their quirks.
But knowing that, why do you persevere with a failed…umm…quirky system? When you know that it will constrain economic growth? I thought growth is the holy grail for capitalists.
And so it is, but would you rather have a small slice of a big pie or as much of a smaller pie as you want?
Oooh, what kind of pie is it?
It doesn’t matter, Troy. The point is that yes, we do want big economic growth, but seeing our share grow is more important. If we can take over a company completely, it doesn’t matter if it shrinks by half, because all its profits are ours. And it’s no different for countries. We The People will happily see Everything’s GDP shrink, as long as we have total control so that we can take all that we want.
That really doesn’t sound very patriotic. Are you saying that We The People would put themselves ahead of the nation of Everything.
Oh, my, Troy, you don’t understand, do you?
Yes! Of course I do. Urr…understand what, exactly?
You’re acting as if Everything is some kind of team effort between the whole population, losers and all. Tell me, Troy, why do countries form in the first place?
Well, that’s easy, Hugo. All of the people realize that there’s strength in numbers, so they join together to form a country for their shared benefit.
That sounds quite plausible. It’s complete nonsense, of course. No doubt, you remember your made up village from 12,000 years ago. Where the Burns and Simpsons families lived. Let’s take our time machine back there again.
YOU’VE GOT A TIME MACHINE?
Yes, the monkey built it for me. It’s powered by metaphorics, but unfortunately I’m fresh out of metaphorics, so we’re going to have to use our imaginations instead.
Probably just as well. I’ve barely got enough travel sickness pills with me to get home tonight.
Whatever, Troy. Now, imagine that after many more generations, the village has become very successful at farming and is producing excess harvests, year after year. And now the Burns family have gained control of all the land and all the villagers work for them. But they’ve run out of land and their wealth growth has stalled as a result. However, praise be to the universe…dammit, Hugo, snap out of it…praise be to God, a particularly psychopathic Burns family member becomes leader. Now, Psycho Burns does what all good gangsters do when they don’t want to work for money. He starts a protection racket. And so, one-by-one, he makes each village an offer they can’t refuse. Pay him this much each year and he’ll protect the village. Of course, the biggest threat the villages face is from Psycho Burns. But that’s how protection rackets always work. A few people extort lots of people and they put up with it, rather than joining together and fighting back.
So you’re about to tell me that a country is just a protection racket?
Kind of, but you’ve sailed right past the delicious little ironic pivot. No matter how big it gets, it’s still just a protection racket. It only becomes a country when something very odd happens. That moment of transition occurs when Psycho Burns is no longer able to offer protection to those under his control. Clearly he can protect the people from his own violence. The inflection point happens when he’s unable to protect the people from the violence of a rival protection racket owner. At this point, the payment terms change and now rather than just payments of food or wealth, the villages have to pay with men. Armed men who Psycho Burns uses to fight against the armed men of the rival protection racket. The villages go along with this change in terms, because it’s still easier to submit to the demands of their existing protection racket. But, clearly they’re no longer being protected by Psycho Burns. On the contrary, they’re protecting Psycho Burns. And still paying him for protection too. That’s how countries form, Troy, and how men like Psycho Burns become King.
But this doesn’t apply to Everything, though, Hugo. We’re only a few hundred years old. We didn’t form out of a protection racket of ancient villages. We were formed by a popular movement of the people that overthrew the King of Spot to form our republic.
Well, yes, you’re correct about that on a basic level. Except, with a deeper understanding, you see that the protection racket of the King of Spot was taken over by a new protection racket run by powerful Everythingers. The popular movement of the people you refer to didn’t just happen. In the same way that the ancient villages tolerated their protection racket because it was easier, Everythingers tolerated the King of Spot’s protection racket because it was easier. They only took up arms against the King when powerful Everythingers encouraged and drove them to rise up. And the powerful Everythingers didn’t do it because they wanted all Everythingers to be free. They did it because they wanted to run the racket. Which is why Everythingers today pay their taxes to Everything’s government instead of the King of Spot.
It’s different, though, Hugo. The taxes paid to the King of Spot were just to make him wealthier. The taxes paid to our government are to cover the costs of services for all Everythingers.
Really? You remember that the wealthiest 10% of Everythingers have hoarded more than three times as much wealth as the country’s national debt? Some 68% of our country’s wealth, while leaving the poorest 50% of losers to struggle with just 2.5% of the wealth between them. The wealthiest Everythingers could pay off the national debt today and still be obscenely wealthy. Yet the taxes of all the losers are used to pay interest on the debt instead. Explain to me, Troy, how’s that any different to the taxes that used to make Spot’s King wealthier?
I may need some time to work this out.
Good luck with that. You’ve got to love it, though, haven’t you, Troy? This ridiculous idea of country that unites the losers when we need them united and divides them when we need them divided. And they’re completely powerless to stop it.
But why?