Listen above or read below
Moments ago we saw Hugo Sensationist, the leader of the National Party, in the company of Troy Laboy, a young and upcoming member of the People’s Party, who many feel would make a natural successor to current leader Monty Havajack.
At least that was the case. How on earth do we find ourselves in the situation where Troy Laboy appears to have turned his back on everything he claims to have believed in to join forces with Hugo Sensationist? A man who he has viciously attacked as presenting a genuine threat to the democratic future of the great nation of Everything.
This feels like a very odd day at the office. Let’s go back a few hours and see if we can make any sense of how things could have changed so dramatically in such a short period of time.
Ah, Troy, I’m so glad you made time to meet with me. You can leave us Gransom, I’ll call if I need you, but see to it that we’re not disturbed.
So, Sensationist, I assume you want to talk because you’re upset about me calling you ‘Tangerine’ and ‘Mommy’s Little Soldier’. You don’t like it when your opponents play your same silly little mud-slinging games, do you?
Don’t be silly, dear boy, I know it’s nothing personal. It just goes with the territory for us politicians. I’m no more offended by your comments than you are by my post on Bicker where I said it looked like your wife’s face must have caught fire and the firefighters put out the flames by stamping on it.
Well, actually I did feel a little bit…
Come, come, it’s all just harmless games, a bit of back and forth joshing for the benefit of our respective followers. I’ve seen many photos of your darling wife Sybillista where she looks positively beautiful. It just takes a talented photographer who knows his angles and understands how to use light, or a lack of it.
Umm, thank you, Sensationist, I think. And so you understand that my emperor Pupienus joke was nothing personal then either.
Your emperor who joke?
Pupienus. I was on the latest Friday Night Dive and in an interview skit, Semaphore Biggles asked me what I thought of you, Hugo Sensationist. So I said your regal demeanor makes me think of a Roman emperor.
So far, so good. And now the bit I won’t like.
So, Semaphore Biggles says ‘which Roman emperor?’ and I say ‘that one from CE 2394, emperor Pupienus’ and the audience are in hysterics because it’s pronounced ‘poopy anus’ and then the rest of the cast pops up from behind us and we all do an Orange Power Salute and cry, ‘hail Poopy-Anus’. It was utterly hilarious. That standing ovation almost made me think of giving up politics for a life on the stage. Nothing personal, though, obviously.
That. Sounds. Very. Funny. GRANSOM. GRANSOM.
Yes sir.
Be sure my high-blood-pressure pills are ready for when I finish this meeting with Mr Laboy. Now, with the unpleasantries out of the way, why do you think I asked you to join me here?
To be honest, Sensationist, I have no idea and I’m not even sure why I agreed to come, but here I am, so what’s on your mind?
You are, my dear boy. I like you, Troy Laboy. I think I see something of the young me in you and I worry about the decisions you’re taking, the path you appear to have chosen for yourself. Many of us in the National Party see great talent in you, but worry you’re going to fail to realize your full potential. You’re clearly ambitious, but are you directing those ambitions in the right direction? I want to get to know you a bit and see if perhaps there’s any way that I can help you to forge a more successful way forward.
You want to help me?
Yes, why not? As new as you are to national politics, there are some already talking about you as the future of The People’s Party. That perhaps it could be your party when Havajack releases the helm. That just shows your great potential, to have risen so far and so quickly, but are you really doing what’s best for you? What’s best for your family? And more importantly, what’s best for Everything? The People’s Party is in decline, a dying force whose final action just remains to roll over and let the National Party trample it completely into the dirt. Everythingers want their proud nation to be great again, Troy, and that’s only going to happen if their leaders focus on the important things. Or perhaps more accurately, the important people. I want you to forget about trying to represent everybody. The reality is that 99% of our population are just making up the numbers. You need to forget about them, Troy, and worry about yourself and those you love.
That’s just typical of the exclusive and selfish mindset of the National Party.
Just stop and read the Constitution, Troy, what does the first line say?
Well, yes, I know what the first line says, but what’s your point?
The first line is my point.
Well, perhaps you could expand on that, Hugo?
And perhaps you could recite the first line of our Constitution, the greatest document in our shared history, to me, Troy?
I’m just trying to get it straight in my head, it’s been a little while since I last read it.
The first line, Troy?
I’m thinking…
Troy, the line?
You pressurizing me isn’t helping, it’s all a little stressy.
Come on, the first line?
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
That’s I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor.
Of course it is, I did it on the karaoke last night, ummm, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
No!
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
That’s the Bible.
And that’s not the same thing, then? How about ‘we’ll rent to start’?
That’s a last line, Troy. I think you’re looking for ‘We the Peo…’
We the people of Everything, da dah da dah da dah, yeah, I knew that was it.
We The People of Everything, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for Everything.
Yeah, like I said, I knew that, it was just you were pressuring me, trying to make me make mistakes. Childish of you, really.
I do apologize Troy, but the important part is ‘We The People of Everything’. We need to focus on how that clearly states who the Constitution applies to and, by extension, who it doesn’t apply to.
Obviously it applies to the people of Everything.
Exactly. I’m so pleased we’re in complete agreement that the Constitution applies to We The People and just We The People. We The People clearly meaning the upper-class of Everything, the most competent of us all, the natural leaders and guardians of the nation of Everything.
Hang on, what, how did you get to there? The whole reason for the Constitution is that it applies to every citizen of Everything.
But does it really, Troy? Think, who wrote the Constitution?
The Framers of the Constitution, of course.
Exactly, the Framers of the Constitution. And who were the Framers?
They were delegates selected by the 12 original states that participated in the writing of our Constitution to meet, debate and agree the form and details of the document. They were the greatest minds of each state, the foremost leading men from Everything’s society who could be trusted to create the vital document that would form the absolute basis of how the great nation of Everything would be governed.
So, we’re agreed that We The People refers specifically to the foremost leading men from Everything’s society. In effect, the upper-class. For practical reasons, perhaps we would recognize We The People as the wealthiest 1% of Everythingers and the remainder, the 99% are simply the losers. Though don’t tell the rest of the wealthiest 10% I said that. We let them believe that they’re part of society’s privileged elite too. They’re just a buffer between us and the rest of the losers, though. Semi-losers or quasi We The People, perhaps. Clearly they’ve also got much more wealth than they really need, but not too much and no power with it. The power is ours.
Okay, Hugo, thank you for your clarity, but you’ve really twisted what I was trying to say.
But you yourself described how the Constitution that starts ‘We The People’ was written by Everything’s upper-class, so clearly We The People refers solely to the upper-class and, by natural extension, the upper-class are We The People.
Well, speaking logically, that’s not a completely crazy belief, but it’s not the way I’ve always understood the Constitution. I’ve always assumed it applied to every citizen of Everything. Society is utterly reliant on the contributions of all its members, so surely the Constitution should apply equally to all of society’s members, shouldn’t it?
That sounds a bit of a radical interpretation, to be honest, Troy. I’m going to need some persuading that society is reliant on the contributions of all of its members.
Of course it is. Tell me, Hugo, who’s more important, a garbage collector, a nurse or a politician?
A politician, obviously.
And yet the Dotardian nation of Allyollyfrita lasted for 541 days without an elected government following the 4707 election and everything in the country continued to function perfectly well. No sudden collapse of society or civil war in the absence of strong national leadership. Doesn’t make politicians appear particularly important, does it?
But that could just be a fluke. I once dated two different Beeman Monthly centerfold models in the same week. Lightning doesn’t strike twice, that one week was just a perfect storm. So Allyollyfrita went 541 days without an elected government. That’s no different, just a random one-off fluke.
Except a few years years later, they did it again, only this time it took them 642 days from calling the election before they swore in a new government. You said it yourself that you only dated two Honey Girls in a week once, so once may be a fluke, but twice? No way.
Dated? Did I say dated? I meant hammered. Yeah, I hammered two Honey Girls in the same week. Like a swarthy, grimy, tanned manual worker with calloused hands called Wayne hammers a screw! I mean the manual worker is called Wayne. Not his hands. That would be mental! What lunatic would give both his hands the same name?
Strewthee, okay, hammered, but it doesn’t change the fact that Allyollyfrita’s ability to go years without a government wasn’t a one-off fluke. It proves to us that societies can function perfectly well without politicians. How long do you think Everything could function without any garbage collectors?
What’s a garbage collector?
Really? They’re the people who take away all the garbage.
Ah, like the sweet little lady in the sexy black and lace outfit who comes into my office and empties my waste paper basket. Well, I suppose I’d miss her bending over once a day, but I’m pretty sure I could carry on functioning without her pretty well indefinitely. I’ve got a computer with the interwebs in my office, you know, so yeah, no worries on that front.
That’s kind of what I mean, but on a bigger scale, the people who drive big trucks around the city and cart away all the rubbish and food waste that we all generate. Just imagine if all that junk wasn’t collected, how long do you think society would carry on functioning?
No idea Troy, but you’re perhaps going to enlighten me?
Within a couple of weeks, the smell of rotting detritus would fill the air we breathe constantly. Within a month or two, if not sooner, sidewalks would start becoming impassable where mounds of garbage have accumulated. Months later entire city streets would be blocked to all traffic. Rats, pigeons and other vermin would multiply in numbers at an alarming rate, helping to spread the diseases that took hold soon after the garbage collectors disappeared. The effect wouldn’t be immediate, but with time, the physical impact of all that waste in the streets and the disease it spreads would lead our society to a grinding halt and in a whole lot less time than Allyollyfritas continued functioning perfectly well without their politicians.
That doesn’t make garbage collectors more important than politicians, though. It’s not exactly a highly skilled job is it? Us politicians could easily find new workers to replace them. I bet there are loads of kids who’d love to drive great big garbage trucks, and without being paid too. How about that for some creative left-field thinking, hey? You see a societal calamity where I see an opportunity for enhanced budgetary reconciliation.
I’m going to ignore the fact that you think it’s a great idea to unleash untrained children onto the streets of our cities, driving huge garbage trucks and point out that you seem to have completely ignored the question of nurses. Before we continue, do I need to explain what nurses are?
Oh no, remember Troy, I’ve got a computer with the interwebs in my office. Nurses are the hot girlies with the sexy, sexy white and blue uniforms. Sometimes their uniforms are made of rubber.
Okaaaaaayyyy, so ignoring the gender stereotyping, beyond wearing uniforms, nurses are essential healthcare workers who ensure the smooth running of all of our hospitals and health centres. So how long do you think society could function without nurses?
Why don’t we push things along and you just tell me?
Don’t you imagine that after just one day with no nurses, society would already be feeling a bit of stress? Imagine a whole week with no nurses to assist in the Emergency room or to look after all of the inpatients or support all the operations. Surely the death rate would be skyrocketing and minor health issues would be turning into major health issues. Imagine after a month how society would be affected. Not only would huge numbers of us be suffering from a lack of healthcare, the knock-on effect would be workers missing from all sorts of jobs, not turning up to work because they’re staying home in a desperate attempt to care for family members or friends or neighbors. Forget about society functioning perfectly well for 642 days without nurses, the reality is society would regress centuries if that ever happened. Or would you maybe take kids out of school to play doctors and nurses?
You may scoff, but this is exactly why politicians are more important. We confront these big issues and we find the answers that sort them out. You can’t expect a nurse or a garbage collector to be able to make the big decisions that keep us all safe. They look up to us as their betters to sort these big issues out for them. That was a funny little exercise, Troy, for sure, but you’re just completely disregarding reality.